When you’ve been hurt by someone, there is more to the pain than “just” the one event. Emotions are a collection of what has happened in the past, your pain in the present, your fears of the future, and your interpretation of what the event means about you.
When you’ve experienced betrayal by one you love, it hurts deeply. It hurts so much you wonder if you can make it past what happened. Sometimes that pain is about more than that one event.
Every relationship, job, or activity you enter into has dreams attached to it – you may not be aware of it but that is what happens. Some of these dreams are small, such as going to a party and having an enjoyable time. On the other hand, relationship dreams are huge. Often, they involve plans for the rest of your life.
Your hurt is increased by the repercussions in other parts of your life.
Your financial situation may change, and your career be negatively impacted. Additionally, you may lose friends and people you considered family if you’ve lost your partner.
Each additional consequence of the initial event complicates the feelings involved. These additional hurts make it more difficult to release the past and move on.
It is no wonder that letting go can be so difficult.
It took time through the ups and downs of life to discover who you are. You may have felt comfortable with yourself and where life was doing, and then “the big hurt” happened. Suddenly everything you thought you knew about yourself was shattered. You don’t even begin to imagine life before the big hurt. It seems even that you do not know yourself anymore. You feel lost, feel hopeless and in some instances very angry at yourself and everyone connected with the hurtful situation.
The ending of relationships is very difficult. Ugly words are said, and accusations thrown about.
If you entered the relationship with a healthy self-esteem, you may feel embarrassed and even ashamed of where you are now. You’ll need to spend time getting to know who you are without your partner telling you lies about yourself.
Sorting through the negativity and finding the truth about you will be a challenge, but one which will have you discovering the wonderful and delightful you.
You may feel on unstable ground as you get to know yourself again. Quite honestly, it will take strength and courage to uncover the self you think you lost. That strength and courage is within you waiting to be rediscovered.
When you discover that your relationship was based upon a lie, you need to redefine yourself and your relationship.
You’ll feel the push to discover what is true and not true about your relationship. Part of moving on may be accepting you’ll never know. There are some situations that you cannot find an answer to.
Before the big hurt, you may have defined yourself by your relationship – which was not the best situation for you to be in, the first place. Now suddenly that definition is no longer there. You feel empty and lost. But you are not lost at all. You have to redefine yourself without that relationship.
Take time to discover the amazing person you are. Who you truly are is not based upon someone else’s definition of you. Discover your own gifts and talents which are waiting for you to notice and use them.
When you believe you’ve found the perfect person as partner or friend, and then that person leaves or betrays you, you begin to doubt yourself.
You may doubt your judgment. You may have thought you had good judgment about people but now you wonder if that’s true.
It’s not unusual to believe the fault lies with you. Yes, soul searching may be needed, but know that rarely are relationships all one person’s fault unless one person has a mental or emotional disorder.
Your feelings about the relationship and about you are often deep and complex. This combination can make it difficult to release the past.
We’ll discuss strategies to resolve these feelings in detail in a later lesson, so hang in there.
In the next lesson you’ll learn how your brain, brain chemicals, and hormones complicate being able to release the past.
To anchor in this lesson, please take the time to reflect on it and answer these reflection questions.
Download Additional Resources – I am allowed to cry